Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Maybelline


(*Maybe this will help?)

Maybelline, I can still remember the first time I saw you.  You were my brother Harold’s dog Maddie’s puppy.  Maddie was pregnant when Harold got her, unbeknownst, to his girlfriend’s weird mason/cop/dog breeder uncle who he got her from.  As soon as we knew there would be one more litter I called dibs!  Maddie had 5 pups (she ate one?) and my brother called me up to invite me over to have my pick of the litter.  As soon as I saw your little white Mohawk stripe I knew you were the one, you were so small when you were born that your eyes and even your ears were closed.  You were so fresh and needed to nurse for a while before I could take you but you were already mine.  5 or 6 weeks later I walked into his apartment and sat down in a chair to wait when he told me you and your brothers and sister were nursing at that moment.  I wasn’t there too long before you came around the corner, by yourself, and came straight over to me to check me out.  I picked you up with 1 hand and looked into your little eyes, I loved the idea of having you while I waited for you to be strong enough to come home with me, but from that moment on, I loved YOU.  Chuck Berry was playing on the CD player and I agreed with him when he said “you’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, I think I’ll call you Maybelline.”

Now I had a dog!  This was something I’d never experienced before.  You were a little asshole from the very beginning, and I loved that about you.  One time, when you were still very young, you ate my weed.  You went down to the end of a long hallway and stripped the wall paper for hours.  It was coming down anyway so I just let you go to town until you came down.  You didn’t like weed after that, and you’d leave the room any time somebody was smoking it.  Another time you got into the garbage and ate ALL the bones from the chicken wings we had with our pizza the night before.  I thought you were going to die that night, and so did you I’m sure.  I had to reach right down your throat, a few times, to pull the bones out.  There was the time we arrived in the country to visit friends at their old farm house.  You bolted out of the car and I could see you running across the field until you disappeared down a gopher hole.  I didn’t see you until 2 full days later when you returned covered in dried blood and happy as could be.  Some people you just didn’t like and you would bite them if they didn’t take heed to your warning growl and insisted on getting close to you.  Some people and dogs didn’t take you serious at first because of your small Jack Russell stature, but you always had the last word and would dominate in the end, humping your trophies proudly or biting the hands and/or faces of the non-believers.  You were mouthy, annoying, and would take 1 small shit at every house I ever brought you to, to mark your territory (and to spite me I’m sure).  I knew your soft side too, the Maybelline a lot of people never got to see.  I know your best friend was a cat named Montgomery who you loved to cuddle with every chance you got.  You helped me bury him after he died and I knew you were sad, you were sweet and very good to your friends.  The handful of witnesses will still testify to you growling “I love you” on command, you did some really cool tricks in your prime.  Everybody loved my ‘Beaner’.

Do you remember the time Heather stole you from me and kept you from me and bred you to sell your puppies for drugs?  I do, that sucked.  The first time I went to get you back they phoned the police who wouldn’t let me take you because you were nursing puppies.  I wanted to see your kids and give one to my little sister so we could keep you in our family forever; that was my plan.  I came back in 5 or 6 weeks and knocked on the door.  When they opened the door and asked what I wanted, I laughed!  What did they think I wanted?  You were right to be weary of humans, most of them are stupid and mean.  I yelled “Haaaaaam Saaaaamerge!” (You were always my little Ham Samerge) and you came running and jumped right into my arms and began licking my face like crazy!  It made me so happy that you didn’t forget me and you missed me the same as I missed you.  Right before we took off, one of your pups came to see what the commotion was.  She looked just like you did when you were small and I almost put her in my pocket, I always wished that I did.  I had to go to jail for that little rescue action but I didn’t care, some things are worth more than all the money and time in the world.  I knew you were safe and waiting for me to get home and that’s all that mattered.  I know you remember when that crazy drunk ‘artist’ friend of my roommate let her giant dog get you pregnant when I wasn’t home.  You had to go to the emergency animal hospital on Christmas day and I almost lost you again.  They kept you over night to perform an emergency caesarian section, but not before they threatened to take you away if I couldn’t fork over $1000 for the procedure.  Luckily I had a friend who just got a credit card the night before and got too drunk to go home for the holidays (Some people are good), and she lent me the money.  We didn’t get to keep that puppy either, the vet said it didn’t make it and even if it did she would have had to put it down because there wasn’t enough room in you for it to develop properly.  When I went to pick you up the next day they told me you would be very groggy from the drugs, you were not.  You came running to me and I took you home with your fresh new scar stapled across your belly. 

I know I wasn’t always the best dad, but to be fair, you weren’t always the best dog either.  We were made for each other.  You were jealous of my wife when she was still my girlfriend but she cared for you and became your loving mother.  We got her dog back from her ex and you two fought like mad until you realized you loved each other, then you both had a sister.  When my daughter was born you got vexed and very jealous of her but stayed out of the way.  She loved you very much too, I don’t know why, you were always a jerk to her.  We got a house and you got your own back yard.  You got old, went blind, deaf, incontinent, and very sleepy.  I made the decision to ‘put you down’ because I believed you were suffering.  I didn’t want you to suffer for even a minute and I didn’t want my daughter or wife to find you dead in our house.  You were my dog and this was my decision to make and my responsibility to take care of.  It’s funny, after the last vet bill I swore I wouldn’t spend another cent on you other than food and now I have another bill for euthanizing and cremation services.  You had the last and final word, until I wrote this!  HA!  

Now you’re gone and I will never forget you, luckily I probably won’t have to because I’m sure you’ll figure out how to haunt my house.  I love you Bean, goodbye my dear friend.  We were together for 16 years (-kidnapping + jail time) and you made me a better person.  I hope you had a good life with me, it will never be the same without you.

Thank you,
Dad
xoxo

(*It didn’t)

 Maybelline Plasticine Gasoline Tantrum
February 9th 2000 - June 13th 2016
RIP/FTW 


Thursday, March 24, 2016

Dinner For 5 Million


I'm not a germaphobe or anything, I just have a constant and extreme fear of germs and an obsession with cleanliness.

Has anybody ever asked you for a drag of your cigarette or a sip of your beer?  It's kind of gross if you think about it, how about instead, you go stick your tongue up a homeless guy's dirty old asshole and then come back and give me a big sloppy french kiss.  That's about the same thing, isn't it?

Shaking hands is a strange custom.  Let's all go behind closed doors and pick our noses and our scabs, clean our floors, scrub our toilets, play with ourselves and wipe our asses - then when we see each other we'll just slap that shit together and hold onto it for a second.

"How are ya?! You're looking well!"

Mostly everyone has 'shitty dick hands'.  When I look at a hand I just see a turd ball with 5 dicks poking out of it, because we have to wipe our ass and touch a dick at least once a day.  Our own or someone else's and that goes for the dicks and the asses, that's your business, but that's why I wash my hand before I go to the washroom and I only shake hands with lesbians.  
Homosexual woman with a colostomy bag?  High 5 dude!  My new best friend - you get the nurse to change that crap sack for you and you'll be my only human contact.

Did you ever get invited over to dinner at someone else's house?  That's some cruel and unusual punishment right there.  

"I thought we were friends, what did I ever do to you?"

So, I'm supposed come over to your place and immediately remove one layer of protection: jacket, hat and shoes - right at the front door - so I'm basically naked - completely exposed!  You're going to invite me to sit down on what I can only assume is your 'singer's orgy couch'.  I don't know what you do in your spare time.  You'll probably offer some perverted plate of phallic horderves like pigs in a blanket, or cocktail wieners, or cheese and crackers. This would've been prepared beforehand leaving me to guess how long they've been sitting around collecting dust like this disgusting couch.  Dust, which is predominantly dead skin cells most likely from naked genitals.

"Have another!"

"No, thank you, I'm saving room for dinner."

Oh my god, dinner!  What kind of radiated Fukishima, GMO pesticide, zeka virus have you got in store for us tonight?!

"Oh!  Spaghetti!  My favorite!  Wait, are those green peppers?  You're fucking dead to me, Mom."

Who likes green peppers?  Put up your hand.  Some people even go as far to say that they love them.  Do you think they rub them on their tits, pack them in their lunch and eat them like apples?

Wash your hands.