Wednesday, April 22, 2015

5 PEOPLE AT WORK IT’S OK TO KILL


5 PEOPLE AT WORK IT’S OK TO KILL


By: Joe Amero

 

Of course I do not condone the murdering of people in the workplace or anywhere else for that matter.  I do, on the other hand, understand the frustration of being chained to a 9-5 job day in and day out for the rest of your life.  Let’s just say, for shits and giggles, it was ok to “get rid” of some of the people that are making your life miserable (it’s ok, you won’t get caught if you’re smart about it).  There are WAY too many people anyway so you can consider it doing your part for population control and making the world a better place starting with the workforce.  Here is a short list of the ones it would be ok to kill (first).

1.      THE BOSS

Nobody likes their job, unless you do (in which case, good for you, you may skip this article).  The rest of us, here in the real world, hate our jobs and the number one reason for this is your boss.  It’s ok to kill your boss, nobody will ever miss them and you might get a better one as their replacement.  Just imagine how great it would be if they would somehow just disappear.  Think of it as liberating your people, if you do get caught, you’ll still be a hero.

2.      THE CONCERNED COMMUNITY MEMBER

No matter where you work, we all have one of these know-it-all neighbours sticking their noses in and telling us how to conduct our business.  They usually come with a list of complaints proving they’re spying on us, compiling evidence and waiting to pounce.  These people are not on your side, they’re trouble makers and it’s ok to kill them.  You don’t even need to hide their bodies in a great spot because nobody will be looking for them.  Chances are your place of work is not the only one they’ve been harassing so their absence in the neighbourhood will be celebrated as a relief.  You’re helping your community with this one, good work!

3.       THE COMPETITION

Business is a “cut-throat” world.  Sometimes that’s just what it takes to get ahead.  Never mind fighting an uphill battle against the “the other guy” with the inside track and all the advantages.  The answer is simple: Kill them!  With them gone, you’ll easily slide into their space and reap all the benefits of the employee of the month bonuses like great parking spaces, tickets to the game and promotions.  Don’t think about it as murder, don’t think about it all.  It’s that kind of hesitation that let this jerk get ahead in the first place.  This is exactly the type of initiative your new boss is looking for.

4.      THE KEENER

Who needs this kiss-ass around making everybody look bad?  Not you, you can do that all on your own.  This one will be a little tricky as the keener is quick and alert.  Your best bet is to bag them outside of work and wonder along with everyone else what happened to them.  You can even buy the card for everyone to pass around and sign with their condolences and smirk while everyone tells you how thoughtful you are.  The next time you come in late from lunch or miss a deadline, the silence will be music to your ears.

5.      THE PARKING ATTENDANT

You’re on a roll now, you should probably quit while you’re ahead.  You’ve made your work environment a more enjoyable place to be and the killing can stop.  NAW!  One more for the road, you can stop any time you want.  Do you know that parking attendant that never says goodnight when you leave in the evening?  Remember when they barely said thank you when you gave him that tiny token of appreciation from your family during the holidays?  Kill them too!  Kill them and throw them in the trunk of your car.  Who are they not to return a pleasantry to you, YOU of all people?!  If they knew who you were and what you were capable of they’d say goodnight.  Well, it’s too late now, goodnight forever friend.

Follow this simple list and tomorrow should be problem free.  If not; repeat list.  Have fun, and happy killing!

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