Monday, April 27, 2015

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY DAD’S GIRLFRIEND


AN OPEN LETTER TO MY DAD’S GIRLFRIEND

(WHOEVER YOU MAY BE PRESENT OR FUTURE)

By: Joe Amero
 

 
Dear stranger,

I am your boyfriend’s grown adult son.  I don’t know you, and more importantly, you do not know me.  If, by chance, I happen to call your house when you are home and you answer the phone, when I ask if my dad is there please do us both a favour and just put him on.  Don’t make small talk with me or act like we are friends.  We have never met and probably never will, so skip the pleasantries and allow me to get this already awkward exchange over with.  Don’t make this more weird and uncomfortable for me than it has to be.  Memorizing my number would be helpful to avoid answering in the first place.  When you see that it is me calling you could just let him get it or avoid it all together, you and I could then manage to bypass any conversation and this would be greatly appreciated.

For the past decade I have been making an effort to maintain some semblance of a relationship with my estranged father.  You, and those who came before you, have only served as annoying obstacles in the way of that goal.  I do not want to know about you and your kids and their kids or your brothers and sisters and their kids or their kids’ kids.  The lineage and offspring in your family tree does not interest me and I would rather not become privy to any of it.  I have my own kids and my own brothers and sisters, all of whom are none of your business.  I don’t care what you do for a living, please do not try to relate with me about things or share workplace stories and anecdotes.  These attempts at conversation will only turn my indifference into hate and this is a waste of my time and energy so just don’t.

You know me only from the old school picture my dad keeps in a frame on his dresser.  I am not that sweet little boy in the photograph; I am a grown ass man who is jaded and bitter toward all things concerning his father, and for good reason.   He may have even shared some stories with you about me but I assure you they have been embellished in his favour.  I barely even like him so I’m sure you can imagine how I feel about you.  He is a liar and a deadbeat, congratulations on a nice catch.  Your taste in men says a lot to me about your character.

You are in a relationship with my father and live in his house so I have to assume you like/love him and think that he is a swell guy.  You are wrong; he is a piece of living shit.  I have plenty of proof and reasons for believing this to be true, the fact that he is now with you is a result of him leaving his original family in the first place.  I was a part of said original family broken up by this man you now call boyfriend/husband so I hope you don’t feel too special because it could happen to you too.  There were others before you and will probably be more after you so I think your time there would be better spent pretending I do not exist.  If you need help with this exercise, I am quite sure my father could give you some pointers having been such an expert at it himself for many years.

I have asked my father to post this letter on your refrigerator for reference and reminder; I doubt that he will so I have forwarded you this copy, a faded and weak copy of the strong original version, a cheap facsimile of the pure and true version that came first.  I hope this letter finds you well and I wish you no harm.  I simply do not want to hear your voice, see your face or learn/know anything about you.  It’s nothing personal.  If you happen to be the one my father is with at the time of his passing then we will have the opportunity meet in person and have a few short words at the contesting of his last will and testament.  Barring that situation, please just let it go straight to message.

 

Not Yours,

Joe

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

5 PEOPLE AT WORK IT’S OK TO KILL


5 PEOPLE AT WORK IT’S OK TO KILL


By: Joe Amero

 

Of course I do not condone the murdering of people in the workplace or anywhere else for that matter.  I do, on the other hand, understand the frustration of being chained to a 9-5 job day in and day out for the rest of your life.  Let’s just say, for shits and giggles, it was ok to “get rid” of some of the people that are making your life miserable (it’s ok, you won’t get caught if you’re smart about it).  There are WAY too many people anyway so you can consider it doing your part for population control and making the world a better place starting with the workforce.  Here is a short list of the ones it would be ok to kill (first).

1.      THE BOSS

Nobody likes their job, unless you do (in which case, good for you, you may skip this article).  The rest of us, here in the real world, hate our jobs and the number one reason for this is your boss.  It’s ok to kill your boss, nobody will ever miss them and you might get a better one as their replacement.  Just imagine how great it would be if they would somehow just disappear.  Think of it as liberating your people, if you do get caught, you’ll still be a hero.

2.      THE CONCERNED COMMUNITY MEMBER

No matter where you work, we all have one of these know-it-all neighbours sticking their noses in and telling us how to conduct our business.  They usually come with a list of complaints proving they’re spying on us, compiling evidence and waiting to pounce.  These people are not on your side, they’re trouble makers and it’s ok to kill them.  You don’t even need to hide their bodies in a great spot because nobody will be looking for them.  Chances are your place of work is not the only one they’ve been harassing so their absence in the neighbourhood will be celebrated as a relief.  You’re helping your community with this one, good work!

3.       THE COMPETITION

Business is a “cut-throat” world.  Sometimes that’s just what it takes to get ahead.  Never mind fighting an uphill battle against the “the other guy” with the inside track and all the advantages.  The answer is simple: Kill them!  With them gone, you’ll easily slide into their space and reap all the benefits of the employee of the month bonuses like great parking spaces, tickets to the game and promotions.  Don’t think about it as murder, don’t think about it all.  It’s that kind of hesitation that let this jerk get ahead in the first place.  This is exactly the type of initiative your new boss is looking for.

4.      THE KEENER

Who needs this kiss-ass around making everybody look bad?  Not you, you can do that all on your own.  This one will be a little tricky as the keener is quick and alert.  Your best bet is to bag them outside of work and wonder along with everyone else what happened to them.  You can even buy the card for everyone to pass around and sign with their condolences and smirk while everyone tells you how thoughtful you are.  The next time you come in late from lunch or miss a deadline, the silence will be music to your ears.

5.      THE PARKING ATTENDANT

You’re on a roll now, you should probably quit while you’re ahead.  You’ve made your work environment a more enjoyable place to be and the killing can stop.  NAW!  One more for the road, you can stop any time you want.  Do you know that parking attendant that never says goodnight when you leave in the evening?  Remember when they barely said thank you when you gave him that tiny token of appreciation from your family during the holidays?  Kill them too!  Kill them and throw them in the trunk of your car.  Who are they not to return a pleasantry to you, YOU of all people?!  If they knew who you were and what you were capable of they’d say goodnight.  Well, it’s too late now, goodnight forever friend.

Follow this simple list and tomorrow should be problem free.  If not; repeat list.  Have fun, and happy killing!

KANYE WEST IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD


KANYE WEST IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

By: Joe Amero


“I still think I’m the greatest”.  - Kanye West
 

You heard me; Kanye West is the worst person in the history of the world.  The fact that he is one of the best-selling recording artists of all time doesn’t change anything.  This only proves what bad taste the people of earth have, and we already knew that.  He truly sucks. If you don’t believe me just listen to his music.  You can’t, can you?  No you can’t, because it is an awful assault on the senses.  Personally, it makes me poop a little bit even if I hear it for one second coming from a passing car.  Admit it; it is garbage, it’s ok, he can’t hurt you anymore.  It’s time to free our selves, and our bowels, from the clutches of the evil Kanye West.
What’s that you say?  Being responsible for the worst music in recorded history doesn’t make you a bad person, let alone the worst person in the history of the world.  If only this monster stopped at what he considers music.  Never mind the fact that he’s a self-centered, loud mouth, know-it-all egotist.  Forget about the countless crashed award show receptions and racist, anti-Semitic remarks.  I can even forgive his shameless self-promotion and tireless, big-ass public show biz marriage and clothing lines.  Even without any of the crap outside of his “music” Kanye is known for, he still remains the worst person in the history of the world. 
Is it proof of my claim that you’re after?  Well then it’s proof you shall have.  You should be warned at this point, however, you will not like what I have to say.  Many of you do not believe in fairy tales, but Kanye does.  Ever since that fateful day back in 1987, when a 10 year old Kanye moved with his mother to Nanjing China.  It was there he, quite literally, stumbled upon and captured the legendary Xian of Enlightenment (an extremely rare type of genie).  A young Kanye ordered the Xian to grant him three wishes, and despite the request being a culturally insensitive interpretation of the Xian’s spiritual power, it agreed to Kanye’s demands on the condition of its’ immediate release.  Kanye made the deal and only then did the frightened Xian agree to the selfish request.   
This particular Xian had not been captured by man for exactly one hundred years to the day, prior to Kanye’s accidental windfall.  The last time was while the Xian was vacationing in sunny Ethiopia and trapped by a cunning young Ras Aluta Engida.  Engida was a General in the Ethiopian Armed Guard fresh off a brutal defeat by Italian forces while attempting to reclaim the occupied town of Sahati when he tracked and captured the Xian.  Engida was granted his customary one wish, not like Kanye and his greedy three.  The Xian magically multiplied Engida’s armed forces to an unbeatable 7,000 men and he was able to defeat Colonel Tommaso De Cristofori and his 500 Italian soldiers at Dogali, thus creating a tremendous victory that lifted all of Africa’s spirits and is still celebrated today.
Ras Aluta Engida’s wish was for the survival of his people and all ancestral bloodlines to follow down through history.  Kanye West on the other hand is a selfish bastard the same today as he was at ten years old when he found the Xian.  Kanye could have asked for anything three times over and still managed to drop the ball.  For his first wish, without even thinking he said he wanted to be bigger than Eric B and Rakim, the DJ and MC duo who held the #1 spot in the hip hop charts at the time.  Kanye reached the average height of 5ft 8in on his 17th birthday making him “bigger” than both Eric B (5ft 7) and Rakim (5ft 5in).  Next he demanded the ability to always be able to steal the spotlight, which he has managed to do on several occasions so far with no sign of stopping in the near future.  Lastly, in what could only be imagined to be an entrepreneurial attempt to become rich quick with the latest craze sweeping the ghettos of his home nation of America, Kanye asked for a lifetime supply of crack.  In April 2012, he was married to Kim Cardasian.  Kanye could have asked for world peace or to end hunger, but he didn’t, because he sucks.  Well Kanye, I hope you’re happy that all your wishes came true and earned you my vote for the worst person in the history of the world.

 

I WANT AN ACQUIRED BRAIN INJURY


I WANT AN ACQUIRED BRAIN INJURY

By: Joe Amero

 

 There’s an old adage that says ignorance is bliss, I think it’s true.  I have a lot on my plate these days with school, work, a mortgage, bills, sick old dogs, kids and car payments.  I have zero free time in any given day and the same amount of extra money to enjoy it if I did.  I’ve spent plenty of time budgeting and planning for the future, making savings projections and misappropriating my own funds to make ends meet.  I worry a lot about the future and have fears of failure and a lack of perseverance to keep treading water long enough to finally be able to enjoy the swim one day if I, somehow, manage not to drown.   I’m always stressed out and the pressure has given me ulcers, anxiety and even a quick bout with the shingles.  Through my work in the field of front line social service work I meet many people every day, each with their own set of unique trials and tribulations.  There is one particular type of client I come across from time to time that never fails to amaze me and leaves me envious of their disposition.  These lucky souls have acquired brain injuries (ABI) and they make me jealous.

I don’t mean to be insensitive to the plight of those who have suffered severe head trauma and survived.  The road to recovery can be paved with struggle for these individuals and their resilience and determination is a true testament to the human spirit.  That being said; it’s not their strength that I’m impressed with so much as their ability to be so easily amused and the joy they take from the little things in life we all too often take for granted.   They’re always smiling and giving off a slow drawn out chuckle at the most seemingly insignificant things.  A fresh banana will do if I’m hungry and in a hurry or too lazy to make a sandwich.  Give a fresh banana to one of these folks and they’re going to smile at the sight of it, enjoy peeling it and giggle at every bite of the full ten minutes it might take them to finish it.

I’ve spoken to people with ABI and the conversations are marvelous.  These are not deep and stimulating philosophical ponderings and musings into the human condition, that is why I like them.  These conversations go nowhere; they barely start or even exist in the first place.  They never ask questions because they know it doesn’t matter.  Some of them can only nod or smile or grunt and others are with limited speech.  When they’re asked a question they sometimes won’t even answer, and they’re not expected to.  When they do have something to say it’s usually one random word or a sentence or phrase not pertaining to anything in particular.  How great would this be if the only thing on your mind was “cowboy” or “I like potatoes”?!  People take care of them and, from what I’ve seen; they don’t have a care in the world.

Would I want my wife and family to be sad?  No.  Would I care or even know?  Also, no.  This would be a devastating tragedy and I would need some pudding.  My wife could leave me at a boarding home and my only concern would be my daily trip down to the drop-in centre for a fresh banana and some quick conversation.  It doesn’t happen to everyone, most people die, so it’s kind of like winning the lottery.   No more stress and pressure, no more responsibility and interest rates, just retarded thought patterns and smooth sailing.  I’m not planning on giving up and I will always fight for my family until the day I die, don’t get me wrong.  All I’m saying is if I did fall victim to some horrific accident and survive with ABI, you wouldn’t hear me complaining. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

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